Rabbi Devon Lerner's Interfaith Marriage & Education Resources

Welcome to Interfaith Marriage Resources

My work with interfaith couples and families spans more than thirty years.  I know from experience that interfaith marriages can and do thrive.  The purpose of this blog/site is to share some of my insights about interfaith relationships and to provide resources for couples who wish to create a wedding ceremony that is inclusive and sensitive to their traditions and to their families.  Here are examples of questions I address:  What are some benefits of interfaith marriages?   What are some of the challenges of interfaith marriages?  How will we raise our children?Why not raise our children in both traditions and let them decide which one they want to follow?  Why are American Jews so Sensitive about Israel?

Ask The Rabbi 

I welcome your comments and questions.  Please email me.  I will respond and answer some of your most common questions and concerns in my comments on this blog. 

Prominent Israelis Speak out in Support of Two-State Solution | Interfaith Ed.

There is a common misconception in the US that Israelis do not want peace or are unwilling to support a two-state solution for Palestians and Israelis.  The truth is that there is a great deal of support for peace.  Click here to see prominent Israelis speak out for independent Palestine and Israeli states.   J Street (Long Version) http://bit.ly/lvp18o

The Many Meanings of the Word "Israel"

Many Jews around the world feel a strong emotional bond with Israel.  This often puzzles  non-Jewish family members and neighbors.   Why do some American Jews, for example, support Israel even though they disagree with Israel's handling of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict?  Why do many American Jews around the world hold a special place in their hearts for the Jewish state when they never go to synagogue and have never set foot in the Holy Land?

The answer lies in understanding Jewish history and theology.  Historically Jews past, present and future are called the people of Israel.   The origin of the name dates back to biblical times and the story of Jacob.  Jacob's name was changed to Israel after he wrestled throughout the night with a stranger (likely in his dreams) and prevailed.  The stranger is understood to be an angel or God.  Jacob has won the fight, but before he will let the stranger go, he asks for a blessing.   The angel says, , "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have wrestled with beings divine and human and have prevailed."  From that moment one, all of the descendants of Jacob are referred to as the people of Israel.  That is still true today.  All Jews, those born as Jews and those who have choen to become Jews, are part of the people of Israel, past, present and future, wherever they live around the world.

When the state of Israel was born in 1948, after Hitler's defeat, Jews around the world rejoiced.  For the first time since the ancient kingdoms of Judah and Israel, Jews had a Jewish home where they could feel safe from persecutions that involved many different countries over many centuries.  Israel became the one place any Jew could visit and feel part of the majority.  It is the one place in the world where Jews are free from discrimination simply because they are Jewish.

This explains, in part, why many Jews feel an strong emotional bond to the state of Israel.  This does not mean, however, that all Jews support Israeli government policies in the Palestinian-Israel conflict.  Far from it.  Most American Jews want the Israeli government to stop building homes in occupied territories.  Many Israelis are also vocal opponents of continued building in occupied and disputed territories.  Many Israelis long for the two-state solultion to become a reality.  See next entry for details.

 

Understanding American Jewish Responses to Israel: A Guide for Interfaith Families

Today marks the 63rd anniversary of the birth of Israel.  On May 14, 1948,  Israel was born through a UN Partition Plan for Palestine setting up two states, one for Jews and one for Palestinians (the exact day for the celebration shifts on the Western calendar every year.)  The next day, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Jordan, rejected the plan and the fighting between Israel and Palestine began and continues to this day. 

The connection between American Jews and Israel is often puzzling to non-Jews.  Why are American Jews so sensitive about Israel?  How can we support Israel when their policies towards Palestinians seem so hostile?  I will address these questions in an upcoming series of blogs.  Stay tuned. 

 

Facing the December Dilemma: Guidelines for Celebrating (Christmas & Hanukah) for Interfaith Couples

If you are a Jewish/Christian family, you are likely familiar with the "December Dilemma."  You may be asking yourselves: How will we honor each of our family's traditions?  It is wise to have a Christmas tree and a Hanukah menorah in our home?   If we have chosen one faith for our children, can we celebrate both holidays without confusing the kids?  The answer to this question is yes for many families.  According to a 2008 survey by InterfaithFamily.com, 97% of families surveyed celebrated Hanukah at home and 45% also celebrated Christmas at home.  (all families surveyed were raising their children as Jews.)  There isn't one right answer for every family.  What is best for you will depend on many factors.   

Dr.June Andrews Horowitz does a nice job of explaining the issues and giving helpful hints in this article posted on Interfaithfamily.com.    Read more....... 

How do we find a Rabbi and a Priest or Minister to Co-officiate?

If you want a rabbi and a priest or minister (or other clergy) to co-officiate, you should start your search several months before your wedding.  Why?  Because only a relatively small number of rabbis and Roman Catholic priests feel comfortable co-officiating.  Some conservative Protestant clergy are also reluctant to participate.  The good news is that you can find warm and caring clergy who will be happy to work with you. 

Where you can find rabbis, priests and ministers who will officiate

    1.  The best way to begin your search is to ask friends and relatives if they know of rabbis, priests, ministers (or other religious leaders) who marry interfaith couples.  Personal referrals are often the best sources of information. 

    2.  Look online. 

• www.Interfaithfamily.com (A welcoming and support Jewish resource for interfaith couples and families.  This site contains a national list of rabbis who officiate at interfaith weddings.)
• http://www.rcrconline.org/ (Rabbinic Center for Research & Counseling offers another national list of rabbis who will officiate.  It includes information about each rabbis requirement and/or guidelines for partiipation.)
• Google for Rabbis, Roman Catholic priests, Protestant or other clergy/leaders who officiate in your area.

3.   Call your nearest College or University Student Center or Chaplain's office.  Clergy on these campuses are usually more liberal than their colleagues who lead congregations.  If they cannot help you themselves, they often know clergy in their area who will.

 

 

Why not raise our children in both traditions and let them decide which one they want to follow?

I have met many adult children of interfaith parents who celebrated both of their parents’ traditions but were not educated in either.   While they enjoyed celebrating both holidays, they often say they regret they were not raised in one.  Why?  Because they feel they must now start from scratch in their search for a spiritual identity.  Celebrating holidays alone will not teach them the history, values, theology, culture and meaning of the traditions of, for example, Judaism or Roman Catholicism.

 

To be fair, I have also met some adult children who appreciated a hands-off approach.  They liked being exposed to both traditions and given the freedom to choose which they wanted to follow.  It worked for them. 

How will we raise our children?

This is the most difficult question for a couple to answer, especially when both partners strongly identify with their respective heritages. 

Most of us want to give our children the same values, traditions, and experience that we cherished from our own upbringing.

What are the options?  Here are the five most frequently considered:

1.    Choose one faith for the children while celebrating the holidays of both traditions.

2.    Expose children to both traditions and let them decide which one they want to follow.

3.    Raise the children in both traditions.

4.    Choose a new tradition for the family, such as Unitarian Universalism, which does not require anyone to give up their previous religious identity in order to join.

5.    Join an interfaith community where both traditions are honored and celebrated without requiring members to choose one tradition over another.  (See www. interfaithcommunity.org)

Regardless of the option you choose, you can raise wonderful children who are productive and caring individuals and citizens.  If, however, you want to give your children a strong religious/spiritual identity, than some of the options listed above have advantages over the other.  

Challenges of Interfaith Marriages

How will we raise our children?  As I mentioned earlier, this is the most difficult question for a couple to answer, especially when both partners strongly identify with their respective heritages. 

We naturally want to give our children the same values, traditions, and experiences that we cherish.

What are the options?  Here are the five most commonly considered:

1.     Choose one faith for the children while celebrating the holidays of both traditions.

2.     Expose the children to both traditions and let them decide which one they want to follow.

3.     Raise the children in both traditions.

4.     Choose a new tradition for the family, such as Unitarian Universalist or Buddhist.

5.     Join an interfaith community where both traditions are honored and celebrated without requiring members to choose one tradition over another. (www.interfaithcommunity.org)

Regardless of the option you choose, you can raise wonderful children who are productive and caring people and citizens.  If, however, you want to give your children a strong religious/spiritual foundation, some options listed above are more successful than others.

Benefits of Interfaith Relationships

Interfaith relationships present challenges, but they also offer some unique benefits and opportunities.  Here are a few:

1.  Interfaith couples rarely argue about where they will spend religious holidays.  Jewish partners can join their parents for Yom Kippur and Christians can join their parents for Christmas, all without hurting anyone’s feelings!  This is the envy of many same-faith couples and their parents.

2.  Interfaith couples open each others eyes to the beauty, similarities and differences of their respective traditions.  They learn by participating in each others holidays and by talking about their connection to them.  The result is often a greater appreciation of their own heritage and a deeper understanding of their partner’s faith and traditions.

3.  Interfaith couples often examine their spiritual beliefs in ways that same-faith couples do not.  This is especially true for couples who strongly identify with their faith traditions and who plan to have children.  The most difficult question these couples must answer is: “How will we raise our children?  Will they be Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists, etc. or Jews?” Culturally the children will identify with both traditions, as they should.  They will learn by celebrating holidays with their parents and grandparents.  Religiously, however, the children cannot, for example, be both Christian and Jewish.  The theologies are mutually exclusive. 

In the process of talking about how they will bring religion into their home, couples examine their own beliefs and are often the stronger for it.  Many couples tell me how much they learned from doing this work.